The lingering effects of infertility

I recently came across a NYTimes article by Regina Townsend, founder of The Broken Brown Egg, that really resonated with me. The article explores the intersection between infertility and mental health and the idea that the experience of infertility can be thought of as a kind of trauma. Townsend writes:

"...many people believe that it’s all about the end game, a baby — that if you could just get to that prize, the pain of infertility would fade away. But infertility is bigger than babies."

She notes that some psychologists think the definition of trauma should be expanded from the psychological and emotional reactions to physical threats to also include reactions to non-physical threats such as deeply held life expectations. She writes:

"Infertility changes how you see yourself and the world... You become used to living in a constant state of fluctuating despair and hope. And this doesn’t turn off when and if you get pregnant. It doesn’t turn off when you hear or see the heartbeat... I’m still trying to turn it off."

To me, this perfectly describes the lasting toll of infertility. I think of it as a kind of loss of faith. Most of us hold some hope that things will be okay. Perhaps this is part of a religious faith or maybe it is a faith in oneself or the universe - a sense that things will work out - that ultimately you will succeed. Infertility tests this faith over and over again. The confidence and calm provided by that faith begin to erode and are replaced by underlying doubt or anxiety - even when things do, in fact, work out.

I recently had a series of opportunities come my way in the course of a few days. The old me would have felt excited, my confidence bolstered. But, instead, I had this nagging feeling that something was going to go wrong - I shouldn’t get too excited or celebrate too soon. This is just one small and subtle example of how infertility can affect all parts of our lives.

But, importantly, I am not suggesting that all people who experience infertility will experience this loss of faith. Or that, for those who do, it lasts forever. People like me and Regina Townsend went through the majority of our fertility journeys unaware of the emotional toll it was taking on us. Because we lacked awareness, we were unable to process what was happening and, as a result, it left a lasting mark. So, I share this article and my experience to raise awareness and offer a language that you may find helpful for thinking about and processing your experience.

I hope you find this helpful. Feel free to email me with follow-up questions. To receive more content like this, sign-up here.